When I have an argument with someone I love I have the premise that they aren’t deliberating trying to hurt me… (well, this premise is after the initial instant reaction of “You are hurting me” has died down a little and I’ve been able to take a step back and think instead of just react). Afterall, you generally don’t deliberately try to hurt someone you love, because then clearly you don’t really love them, or else you are really hurting so bad that you just need to release that anger and the person you love is close by, so they get hit with it.
As a result, in an argument I try to say, “this is how I’m feeling because of this…” This then gives the person the opportunity to say, “You’ve got it wrong, I meant this… and I’m coming at it from this direction and you have misunderstood/over-reacted” or they say, “I slipped up and I’m sorry you got hurt because of it.” And then between the two of you, you realize where it is that the communication and understanding have gone wrong. Once that is cleared up, the feelings of anger and hurt usually disappear pretty quickly and life goes on.
However, I have come to realize that it is not that simple with all people. The person you love may think that you are deliberately hurting them because they think it gives you some sort of sadistic pleasure. And they may become offended, upset and hurt because you have taken the communication and understanding in the wrong way. Even when the communication and understanding has been cleared up, they still remain upset and then the “punishment” can even be meted out. “I’m not going to tell you about X anymore”.
Why, oh why do arguments have to be so complicated, with casualties falling by the wayside? If I love you, I don’t want to see you hurt in anyway. Sometimes I forget my own advice and that if the other person loves me they also aren’t wanting to hurt me, but that’s why communication should be so important.
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