Where I am at the moment

I am working late again tonight - it is 8.30 and I'm needing a break from my task so I'm writing this post...

I don't like the type of person I'm turning into. I don't want to work late every night as if this is the most natural thing in the world. I don't want to be so stressed that I can't sit down over a cup of coffee with colleagues to calmly let them know what is happening or put time into maintaining the relationship so that when negative feedback needs to be given it is easier to handle.

You get told in training that you have to make emotional deposits into people's lives, so that when you need to make emotional withdrawals - like give negative feedback - your relationship is still okay, as there is something in the "bank balance". I think my working relationships are getting closer to the zero mark.

I don't want to be crisis managing. I don't like to sit down at 8pm, the night before I counsel 4 or 5 people and look at their documentation for the first time. I want to be able to do a good job and help people develop. It isn't fair to give them anything else other than my best effort.

I feel like I'm going to miss deadlines anytime soon and then all my hard work will be in vain. No one will remember the late nights and deadlines I met, they'll just remember where I didn't meet the deadline.

I'm so tired, so very tired...

But the long weekend is coming - Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday of no work - or alternatively a time to catch up so I no longer have to crisis manage :)

Well, back to work now...